It's been awhile.

Sometimes I just don’t understand what the deal is.  With life.  With how I can think I am completely over a relationship that ended over a year ago, and then something happens and BAM!  Right back to questioning whether I made the right choice.  But it goes deeper than that.  I know in my mind that the choice was the correct choice, but the circumstances that I find myself in make me wish that I had been wrong.  That it really wasn’t the right choice and that I should do everything I can to correct things.  How is it that you can love someone so much and still know that they aren’t right for you?  How am I supposed to be ok with that?  I guess that’s the main question.  How am I supposed to willingly move on from someone I was in love with completely?  Just knowing that something is right doesn’t make it easy.  So I put one foot in front of the other.  Keep busy.  Do work.  Hang out with friends, listen to music, watch movies, eat, sleep, think.  And there we find the root of the problem.  Thinking.  I think too much about EVERYTHING.  I never seem to be able to just completely get the thoughts to just go away and leave me alone.  Not specific thoughts, not terrible bad dark thoughts.  Nothing as negative (or simple) as that.  Nothing that would say “hey!  You need to go see a therapist!”  Just thoughts in general.  Thoughts like, I wonder if she is thinking about me today…or, should I take guitar lessons?  Should I hang out with these friends?  What kind of person do they think I am?  And I know those are specific, but it’s not like they are repeating, those are just the random few that popped into my head.  It is quite possible that I could be entirely insane.  Like not just a little, but completely, off my rocker, bat-pooh crazy.  I fear that I face a life completely devoid of the ability to control my emotions (which is normal) but also feeling frustrated because of it (which is also probably pretty normal).  What bugs me to no end is that I’m just so flipping impatient!  And I can’t stand the in-between times.  I find it hard to accept where I am in the here and now.  To completely let myself be happy NOW.  I guess being under the stress of a cross-country move and a new job can add to that, but wow, I just wish …so much.  I wish so much.  Music is powerful.  Knowledge is not as powerful as it should be.  I find myself trying to obtain knowledge about myself all the while ignoring the other things that are going on right around me.  I am completely self-absorbed.  I hate it.  I sometimes hate myself.  I always think I am the funniest, smartest, most complete all-around great guy.  I still am self-conscious. Should I blog this, I wonder?  Are there other people that could empathize with this?  I hate myself for caring what other people think.  I wish I could let that go.  Some days I feel entirely separate from the rest of the human race.  Totally content in where I am.  Other days (like today) I feel as if I need affirmation.  Confirmation that I am as awesome a person as the front I put on.  Should I delete this?  Am I being too honest?  Does anyone even care?  What if they don’t?  What if the people I care about don’t care?  Do I even remember my own blog address?  I should be in bed.