It's been awhile.

Sometimes I just don’t understand what the deal is.  With life.  With how I can think I am completely over a relationship that ended over a year ago, and then something happens and BAM!  Right back to questioning whether I made the right choice.  But it goes deeper than that.  I know in my mind that the choice was the correct choice, but the circumstances that I find myself in make me wish that I had been wrong.  That it really wasn’t the right choice and that I should do everything I can to correct things.  How is it that you can love someone so much and still know that they aren’t right for you?  How am I supposed to be ok with that?  I guess that’s the main question.  How am I supposed to willingly move on from someone I was in love with completely?  Just knowing that something is right doesn’t make it easy.  So I put one foot in front of the other.  Keep busy.  Do work.  Hang out with friends, listen to music, watch movies, eat, sleep, think.  And there we find the root of the problem.  Thinking.  I think too much about EVERYTHING.  I never seem to be able to just completely get the thoughts to just go away and leave me alone.  Not specific thoughts, not terrible bad dark thoughts.  Nothing as negative (or simple) as that.  Nothing that would say “hey!  You need to go see a therapist!”  Just thoughts in general.  Thoughts like, I wonder if she is thinking about me today…or, should I take guitar lessons?  Should I hang out with these friends?  What kind of person do they think I am?  And I know those are specific, but it’s not like they are repeating, those are just the random few that popped into my head.  It is quite possible that I could be entirely insane.  Like not just a little, but completely, off my rocker, bat-pooh crazy.  I fear that I face a life completely devoid of the ability to control my emotions (which is normal) but also feeling frustrated because of it (which is also probably pretty normal).  What bugs me to no end is that I’m just so flipping impatient!  And I can’t stand the in-between times.  I find it hard to accept where I am in the here and now.  To completely let myself be happy NOW.  I guess being under the stress of a cross-country move and a new job can add to that, but wow, I just wish …so much.  I wish so much.  Music is powerful.  Knowledge is not as powerful as it should be.  I find myself trying to obtain knowledge about myself all the while ignoring the other things that are going on right around me.  I am completely self-absorbed.  I hate it.  I sometimes hate myself.  I always think I am the funniest, smartest, most complete all-around great guy.  I still am self-conscious. Should I blog this, I wonder?  Are there other people that could empathize with this?  I hate myself for caring what other people think.  I wish I could let that go.  Some days I feel entirely separate from the rest of the human race.  Totally content in where I am.  Other days (like today) I feel as if I need affirmation.  Confirmation that I am as awesome a person as the front I put on.  Should I delete this?  Am I being too honest?  Does anyone even care?  What if they don’t?  What if the people I care about don’t care?  Do I even remember my own blog address?  I should be in bed.

Mushy mushy mush.

To be perfectly honest, I’ve been waffling back and forth as to what I should write about today.  There are many different topics that I want to touch on throughout the course of this blog.  For this to be a successful blog, in my opinion (which, let’s face it, is the only one that matters) there needs to be a solid mix of humor, wit, politics, religion, music, girls, and various other things that I might be feeling passionate about at the time. 

That being said, I was listening to some music that I haven’t heard in awhile and I came across a Ray LaMontagne song called “Let it be Me.”  If you haven’t had the chance to hear any of his music let me just say you should probably take a break from reading this very stimulating piece of literature and acquaint yourself with this soulful musician!  The words that always move me are the first verse and the chorus which is:

There comes a time,

A time, in everyone’s life

When nothing seems to go your way

When nothing seems to turn out right.

There may come a time

You just can’t seem to find your place

For every door that opens

Feels like two get slammed in your face.

That’s when you need someone

Someone that you can call

When all your faith is gone

It feels like you can’t go home.

Let it be me,

Let it be me,

If it’s a friend, that you need,

Let it be me, let it be me.

Now I just have to say those are some pretty deep lyrics.  And they speak to me on a very basic level. I think that in all of us there is a desire to be needed by someone.  To be the very thing (maybe the only thing) in someone’s life that’s going right.  Probably one of the main things that makes us unique individuals is who we surround ourselves with to help fill that desire.

I think that one thing we need to remember is that if we go out searching for a friend like that, it will probably take a long time to find that person, if we ever do.  However, if we seek to become that person for someone, to become a truly loving, compassionate individual, I feel that we will draw those people to ourselves.

Why did I choose this topic for today?  Well among other reasons I think that the more we understand how we work and why we feel the things we feel the better prepared we are to interact with others.  Seriously people, there are some retarded ideas going around the world today.  We are a society totally devoted to self.  Poor communication skills have caused many failed relationships.  And we’ve all been guilty of it.  Sometimes we get so comfortable with the way things have been going that it’s hard to take a step back and really look and see if routine is actually working. 

This is a challenge for my own life.  I want to be able to say that I am the kind of person people can count on, can depend on.  To be truly giving in a world of takers.  So to the individuals who have taken the time to read this, if it’s a friend you need, let it be me.

The Final Hump.

Catchy title, eh?

So I've been wondering how to classify myself in terms of the post-relationship recovery process and it has been quite the journey.  At first there was the disbelief, followed by sadness, loneliness, anger, determination, acceptance, and some self assurance.  Of course this took almost a year to process all of those emotions, and from time to time I am still plagued by some of the negative ones.  However, doubt has never been one.  And that is what brings me to my question: When you have a full grasp on where you are in life, and where you want to go, how do you get over the final hump to get there?  Mentally I have moved on and am ready to start new.  It's an exciting thought, actually!  But what sort of sign do I look for to point me towards a fresh beginning? Like I said, there have been ups and downs over the course of this past year.  Lots of new experiences and friends and places as well.  But I feel like something should change.  I feel like there needs to be a definitive mark to end what was, and start what will be.  As if I could put punctuation on the relationship and tell myself, "Look, there's a period, that means it's over."  Or at least an indention..  But again, when I really look at where I am in life, there is not a doubt that I did the right thing, that I made the right decision.  I am better off not being in a relationship with someone that wasn't the right person for me, this I know.  So again, that final hump.  Mentally I am there, emotionally is a bit more sketchy, but I have always been strong-willed and strong-minded.  If I want to do something, I usually do it.  If I don't, I don't.

    Therefore I have to come to the conclusion that I need to simply put one foot in front of the other and keep pressing on.  I think that the reason I have had trouble making it over this final obstacle is simply fear.  I am afraid that once I "move on" I will have to start taking responsibility for how I treat others.  I will no longer be able to enter into a casual relationship with the excuse, "oh, well I'm not over my ex yet, I can't be expected to function normally in a relationship."  I will have to grab life by the horns.  Really experience it, feel it, live it, not hold back.  I must face who I am if I am to be the man I want to become.  I have learned things about myself during this time that help me to understand why I do the things I do or say the things I say.  But in all my self-confidence about who I am and what I'm all about, I failed to see that in actuality I have been selfish and lazy.  Selfish because I used the pain I was going through to enable me to be unconcerned with the feelings of others.  Lazy because it is of course easier to find a casual relationship than it is to find an actual commitment.  

    I don't know what lies ahead in the days, weeks, months, or years to come, but I know that if I really want something that will last, I need to stop settling for less than someone who is perfect for me.  And that person is not going to be found if I'm only looking in the "casual relationship" aisle.  Patience is going to be a killer, and loneliness I'm sure will tag along for the ride.  But I am supremely confident that even if the ride gets a little bumpy, if I keep moving forward I'll make it safely over The Final Hump.

Trying something new...

Hey.  So I've decided to start blogging because I always feel like my opinion is too important to keep from the public. Seriously.  Over the course of my blog, I feel like you will of course get to know why it is I feel this way, and I'm excited to share.  I'm sure I will probably at some point offend someone, but frankly, get your own blog and say whatever you want.  I might talk about politics, religion, music, movies, girls, sports, or simply what I had for supper (which, incidentally were some delicious fish tacos!).  Sometimes I might be boring, or even annoying, but I promise to be real.  Hopefully you will find a bit of humor, wisdom, insight, or something that stimulates you.  I have no idea where this is going to lead, but hopefully it will be an adventure we can all enjoy.