The Final Hump.

Catchy title, eh?

So I've been wondering how to classify myself in terms of the post-relationship recovery process and it has been quite the journey.  At first there was the disbelief, followed by sadness, loneliness, anger, determination, acceptance, and some self assurance.  Of course this took almost a year to process all of those emotions, and from time to time I am still plagued by some of the negative ones.  However, doubt has never been one.  And that is what brings me to my question: When you have a full grasp on where you are in life, and where you want to go, how do you get over the final hump to get there?  Mentally I have moved on and am ready to start new.  It's an exciting thought, actually!  But what sort of sign do I look for to point me towards a fresh beginning? Like I said, there have been ups and downs over the course of this past year.  Lots of new experiences and friends and places as well.  But I feel like something should change.  I feel like there needs to be a definitive mark to end what was, and start what will be.  As if I could put punctuation on the relationship and tell myself, "Look, there's a period, that means it's over."  Or at least an indention..  But again, when I really look at where I am in life, there is not a doubt that I did the right thing, that I made the right decision.  I am better off not being in a relationship with someone that wasn't the right person for me, this I know.  So again, that final hump.  Mentally I am there, emotionally is a bit more sketchy, but I have always been strong-willed and strong-minded.  If I want to do something, I usually do it.  If I don't, I don't.

    Therefore I have to come to the conclusion that I need to simply put one foot in front of the other and keep pressing on.  I think that the reason I have had trouble making it over this final obstacle is simply fear.  I am afraid that once I "move on" I will have to start taking responsibility for how I treat others.  I will no longer be able to enter into a casual relationship with the excuse, "oh, well I'm not over my ex yet, I can't be expected to function normally in a relationship."  I will have to grab life by the horns.  Really experience it, feel it, live it, not hold back.  I must face who I am if I am to be the man I want to become.  I have learned things about myself during this time that help me to understand why I do the things I do or say the things I say.  But in all my self-confidence about who I am and what I'm all about, I failed to see that in actuality I have been selfish and lazy.  Selfish because I used the pain I was going through to enable me to be unconcerned with the feelings of others.  Lazy because it is of course easier to find a casual relationship than it is to find an actual commitment.  

    I don't know what lies ahead in the days, weeks, months, or years to come, but I know that if I really want something that will last, I need to stop settling for less than someone who is perfect for me.  And that person is not going to be found if I'm only looking in the "casual relationship" aisle.  Patience is going to be a killer, and loneliness I'm sure will tag along for the ride.  But I am supremely confident that even if the ride gets a little bumpy, if I keep moving forward I'll make it safely over The Final Hump.